What My Mother Told Me…

My mother is more like me than any other human being I know, except you.

She once told me that “I and your dad were in love, and then we weren’t”…

Ever since she told me so, those words have resonated through me continually.

Do they you?



In this society love is a word over and under used.


I say I love everyone. And at the same time love no individual individually.


I love saying your name.


I love hearing mine.


Love. It’s The One Thing That We Can’t Define. Yet It’s The One Thing We’re All Trying To Find, So What The Fuck Am I Looking For – Felix Dean, 2000 And Something.



OpenGoldenRucksack – Open Rucksack

OpenGoldenRucksack – Open Rucksack

OpenGoldenRucksack – OpenRucksack


There’s A New Age. And A New Sound.


The Light Shines On The World And The Rests Ours

You’re So Different…

This Is Something I Have Been Waiting To Address For A While Now…

It Really Annoys Me When I See People Tweeting ‘yuk he’s so diffrnt aroun hiz boiz than he iz with me’ Or Something Along The Same Lines…

I Understand What Your Point Is. It Can Be Weird When You See Two Different People In One Person, BUT To Me – That Is Totally Natural…

Not One Person On This Planet Is Identical, So EVERY Person Brings Out Something Different In You. A Different Response. Emotion. Action. Thought.

Conversations With Different People Pull Responses From You. A Reason Why I Believe Conversations With Multiple People Enhance Our Understanding Of The World. You Learn So Much About Yourself In How You Respond To Others.

An Example Being – My Mother Asks Me “How Was Your Day?” And I Respond…

My Boy Asks – “What You Been On Today?” And I Respond…

Both Responses Will Be Totally Different, But Does That Mean I Am Acting/Frontin’ For Either…

So For Us To Be ‘The Same’ Around Everyone Would Be Un Natural Right. Obviously Your Underlying Morals Stay The Same, But Each Can Be Adjusted Within A Situation.

Conversations With Different People Pull Responses From You. A Reason Why I Believe Conversations With Multiple People Enhance Our Understanding Of The World. You Learn So Much About Yourself In How You Respond To Others.

I’ve Just Returned From Amsterdam So Probably Haven’t Gone Into As Much Detail As I Would Have Wished. Fuck It.


Peace & Power

Past Feelings

Closer To Death Than I Have Ever Been,

Feeling Freer Than I Have Ever Felt,

It’s The Feeling That One Feels When The Darkness Closes In,

And The Dreams About Death Feel A Little Closer,

Ghosts Of The Past Pop Up And The Feelings Push You Over,

What You Have Never Felt Becomes Acquainted With Your Soul With One Piercing Glare From The Dark Eyes Of A Dragon,

The Thoughts You Felt Become Closer Than You Could Ever Imagine,

Skulls Of The Underworld Are Within Reach Of Your Hands,

Pictured The World In Black And White,

The Black Closed In As You Questioned Life And You Wondering Why It Felt So Weird Was Nothing More Than A Wisp Of Smoke That Couldn’t Be Seen,

No Control,







And I Lay…

Feeling A Past Feeling.




Peace & Power

The Modern Day Arsenal Fan… And Other Football Things

This Is All Based On Conversations, And Thought, I Had While Watching Arsenal v Bayern Muinch On Tuesday Night. High. (See If You’ve Ever Met An Arsenal Fan Like This)


I’ve Always Tried To Describe What It Means To Have A Great First Touch, But It Came To Mind That The Best Way To Do So Is;


‘The Best First Touch, Is Being In Control Of The Ball Before You Touch It’


Whether That’s Demanding The Ball And Doing With It What You Must, Or The Modern Day Xavi Touch Where No Matter How You Receive The Ball Your First Touch Is YOUR First Touch – You Already Have The Ball Under Your Spell & Do With It What You Want. Zidane. Rui Costa. Lee Cattermole. Bergkamp.


Also. Do You Not Find It Strange How Obsessively We Worship Other Humans. Like, Players Go Home & Chill With Their Children etc. But For 90 Minutes They’re Your Gods. It’s Unusual. I Will Elaborate On This Is A Later Post…


So, We’re Watching The Match & My Boy Is Like ‘I’m A Die Hard Gunner’ – The Famous Arsenal Song ‘Commeeee On Arsenal, Commeee On Arsenal’ Breaks The Silence At The Library, I Mean Higbury, No Wait The Emirates & We Both Sing Along. Me Jokingly. Commenting On The Lack Of Noise Heard. I Then Say “You Know The Real Fans Sing ‘And It’s Arseeeeeeenal, Arseeeeenal FC'” And He Gives Me A Blank Stare And Is Like… “I Don’t Even Know That One Still, I’m Just Down For My Gunners You Know”…


Arsenal Concede A Somewhat Comical Goal And “Oh Myyyyyy Lorrrrrrrrrddddddd” Is Heard – Silence, And Then “Flippin’ Hell This Clown Head” – Conversation Breaks Out About The Arsenal Goalkeeping Conundrum.

“Fabianki… Fabianki… What Ever Happened To Him, Does That Guy Even Play Football Anymore”  – I’m Thinking, Yes He Still Plays For You…

Debate Rages On As Szczensy Becomes The Source Of All Your Defensive Frailties. Though Probably Being One Of Arsenals Best Goal Keepers For A While. Suspect At Crosses I Must Say.

Then All You Hear Is;

“Wasn’t Fabianki Better Than Him…” *Dies*


Here Is Where I Tell You All Why To Me, Personally, Wilshere Is Not Yet World Class. Don’t Throw Hate Male At Me For Saying So.

So Wilshere Is Breaking Away From A Bayern Corner With The Ball At His Feet. He Rides Past Two Challenges With The Bayern Players Left Sprawling On The Deck, Clasping At His Shadow. The Picture Infront Of Him Now Is. He’s Running Towards The By Line. One Defender Infront Of Him. And A Defender Tracking The Run Of His Striker. Now, Bear In Mind This Is Late On In The Game. Wilshere Performs The Most Elaborate, Pin Point Hand Gesture And Curls The Ball Down The Line. The Pass Is Over Hit. And The Bayern Defender Intercepts. Now. It’s Those Decision That Make A World Class Player For Me. Knowing When To Pass and Not. Yes, The Crowd Are Probably Cheering Him On And Encouraging Forward Play, But It Isn’t Always The Right Option. Maybe Checking Back And Playing A Simple Pass To A Supporting Midfielder Is. But, Who Am I To Say. I Support Inter So My Football Knowledge Is Shit *Shrugs*.




Peace & Power


Felix And His Book Shelf

From As Young As I Can Remember My Mother Read To Me. And I Loved It. I Am Grateful She Did So, As My Love Of Books Has Stuck With Me Through My Life.

I Don’t Think Our Generation Read Enough In All Honesty. Nothing Beats Seeing The Spine Crease And Inhaling The ‘New Book Smell’ – Or ‘Nothing Beats Loggin’ In To My Kindle And Downloading A Book’ – Don’t Be Silly…

Books Are Cheap. Okay, I May Not Have Convinced You To Start Charity Shoppin’ But There Is No Harm In Picking Up A Second Hand Book And Having A Read.

However, I Still Don’t Understand Why Some People Feel As If They Must Impress While Stating Their Most Recent Read, Or Favorite Book. In All Honesty I Couldn’t Tell You The Last Book I Read Cover To Cover. Wait, I Lied. Life Of Pi In Anticipation Of The Film.

From Reading; New Words Are Added To Your Vocabulary, Images Are Painted In Your Mind Of What You Are Yet To See And Inspiration Arises.


So, I Decided To Turn To My Book Shelf & Pull Off A Few Of My Favorites.

Five For Five

Five For Five



It's Bigger Than Hip Hop - MK Asante

It’s Bigger Than Hip Hop – MK Asante

Pharrell: Places & Spaces I've Been

Pharrell: Places & Spaces I’ve Been

Yves Saint Laurent

Yves Saint Laurent

The Bad Beginning - Lemony Snicket

The Bad Beginning – Lemony Snicket

The Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Sanger

The Catcher in the Rye – J.D. Sanger

Holes - Louis Sachar

Holes – Louis Sachar

The Subtle Knife - Phillip Pullman

The Subtle Knife – Phillip Pullman

Trainer Hall Of Fame - Neal Heard

Trainer Hall Of Fame – Neal Heard

To The End Of The World - Colin Foreman

To The End Of The World – Colin Foreman

James Dean, Boulevard Of Broke Dreams - Paul Alexander

James Dean, Boulevard Of Broke Dreams – Paul Alexander

Courtitia Newland - Society Within

Courtitia Newland – Society Within

Book Pile

Book Pile

Book Shelf

Book Shelf


I Had The Best Intentions Of Writing A Brief Piece On Why I Chose These Books – I Decided Against It.




Peace & Power



Lisbon, Portugal

So… It Was Either Three Nights In Portugal With The Family Or Three Nights Home Alone Over The New Years Period. I Chose Portugal… And Here’s What Happened…

I Had Initially Intended To Do A Written Post & One With Images Solely. I Changed My Mind. This Is Pretty Much My Diary Of What Happened.

Day One

Easy Jet. So Inevitably It Wasn’t That Easy. We’re Sat In The ‘Emergency Exit Row’ My Brother Is Under 16 So He Is Asked To Move For Take Off & Landing. He Misses The Window View He So Desperately Craved.

Cloud Dreaming

Cloud Dreaming

Never Easy Je

Never Easy Jet

We Land. Into The Pouring Rain. And The ‘Metro’ System That Is Easily Navigated. Like The French Underground Network The Tubes Run To Time & Are Clean. Each Station Is Different. Filled With 80’s Design Tiling, Innovative Signs & Ikea Advertisements Hung From Clips, How Long Would They Last In London? One Slightly Puzzling Sign Above The Priority Seat Seemed To Indicate They Should Be Offered To Elderly, Disabled & Women… Women? (We Later Worked Out It Meant Pregnant Women – I’ll Call Off The Male Rights March I Organised). At Every Stop Music Was Playing. At The Metro At The Airport Ironically ‘Frank Sinatra – Fly Me To The Moon’ Was The Song Of Choice. I Had Only Been In Portugal For 30 Minutes (This Was My Second Visit However) And I Was Already Starting To Think How Bland London Is. Yes It Offers Me Everything I Need – But How Can I Know Life Without Experiences Outside The Country. I Can’t. Makes Note To Self To Leave The Country More.





Where Mum?

Where Mum?

ToMy Place?

ToMy Place?





Where Is She Going?

Where Is She Going?



Ronaldo? Or Eusebio?...

Ronaldo? Or Eusebio?…


He Must Have A Little Dick

He Must Have A Little Dick

This World Is Mine

This World Is Mine



Day 2

So. I Was Woken To The Not So Sweet Noise Of My Mum Singing Rihanna – Diamonds (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWA2pjMjpBs). Awkward. Our First Morning In Lisbon And We Experienced The Breakfast



AT THIS POINT I GAVE UP WITH THE WRITING – And Thought I Should Just Put In The Rest Of The Pictures…

124 128 129 138 140 148 150 167 168 179 184 199 213 IMG_4167 IMG_4221 IMG_4223 IMG_4229 IMG_4327 img005 img006 img007 img008 img011 img012 img013 img014 img015 img016 img017 img018 img019

What Should Be Left In 2012

This Is My Blog, Right. So This Is What I, Felix Dean, Believe Should Be Left In 2012.

So We’ve Had The Olympics, England’s Failure At The European Championships, And The Anti Climatic Prediction By The Mayans That The World Was Going To End. And Let Me Put It Out There, If Anyone Genuinely Believed That – You Should Be Left In 2012. Along With Memories Previously Mentioned Here’s What I Think Should Be Left In 2012. In No Order.

1. Cuffed Jeans Or Chinos – Look They Initially Seemed A Good Idea. Especially If You Want To Show Off Your New Puma Suedes. Yet, They Look So Cheap. The Invention Of ‘Pin Rolling’ (Defined By Myself As – Using Your Trouser, Folded In A Certain Way, To Clench Your Ankle Which Allows Your Trainers To Be On Full Show) Buried The Cuffed Alternative Six Feet Under. So If You’re Still Wearing Them Now. Leave Them In 2012.

Cuffed Chinos. Leave Them In 2012.

Cuffed Chinos. Leave Them In 2012.

2. Mobile Phones In Profile Pictures – Look, Surely There Is Someone; A Friend, Your Mum, Your Cat Or Dog Who Can Take The Picture For You. Unless You Keep On Asking The Mirror On The Wall Who’s The Most Beautiful Of Them All. And It Probably Isn’t You. Leave Them In 2012.

3. Studs – Studs Fascinated Me When I Saw One Or Two People Wearing Them. It Felt Like They Had Genuinely Gone Out Of Their Way To Customize They’re Clothing. Innovative. Now They’re Being Reeled Out Of A Factory In China & Being Sold To Polly & Tanya In Primark. The Creativity Has Been Taken Out Of Them. And Wearing Them Now Shows A Limited Creativity & High Levels Of Conformity. The Nail In The Coffin Was While At A Hip Hop Party, A Friend Approached Me Who I Have Never Seen Out Before. I Was Blinded By A Light Coming From His Head. He Was Wearing What I Presumed Was A SnapBack Covered, And When I Mean Covered I Mean Covered In Silver Studs. Leave Them In 2012.

Studs. Leave Them In 2012.

Studs. Leave Them In 2012.

4. Burgundy Trousers – To Be Honest, Burgundy Trousers Should Have Been Left In The First Half Of 2012. Their Credibility Dropped As The Year Went On. They Had Their Time. Their Time Ended. Like Every Trend It Will Come Around Again, So Maybe Put Them In The Attic And Bring Them Out At A Much Later Date. Leave Them In 2012.

5. YOLO Clothing – Look… Just Look… You’re Not About This Life. Take Off Your T-Shirt, Go Home And Play On A Games Console. I Needn’t Say Anymore. Please Just Take My Advice. Leave Them In 2012.

6. Shoulder Or Elbow Patches – Again, It Just Looks Cheap. I Don’t Think There Is A More Played Out Design This Year Than Elbow Patches. On Blazers. Jumpers. Knitwear. I Wouldn’t Be Surprised If River Island Tried To Incorporate An Elbow Patch Onto A Vest. Leave Them In 2012.

Shoulder Or Elbow Patches. Leave Them In 2012.

Shoulder Or Elbow Patches. Leave Them In 2012.

7. Having A Digital SLR Around Your Neck – No One Looks At You Anymore Like ‘Okay, I See You Bruh With That Canon’ – I Look Upon Those Who Still Carry Their Camera Around Their Neck With Pity And  Think ‘Your Neck Is Definitely Hurting’ – Most People Now Have A Decent Camera. We Don’t Need To See It Constantly Mate. Seeing The Pictures You Actually Take Might Be Interesting Though, Are There Any? Leave Them In 2012.

8. Superdry – Sorry. I Know Most Of You Probably Own An Item Of Superdry Clothing, But It’s Boring As Fuck. Over Priced For What It Is. And Every Body Wears It. Personally I See No Attraction To The Brand. ‘Pop Down To Your Local TK Max For Amazing Offers On Superdry T-Shirts, Starting From £4.99’… Superdry. Leave Them In 2012.

9. Memes – ‘Bitches Be Like… *Inserts Desperate Attempt To Gain One More Follower*’ – I Haven’t Seen One That Is Mildly Amusing. And Most People Stoop Low Enough To Joke About Poverty, Racial Issues Or Make Sexist Remarks. Clever. Leave Them In 2012.

10. Double Denim – There Is No Way That Double Denim Will Ever Be Ridden Of Properly. As Denim Jackets & Jeans Will Always Be Sold. I Think It’s When Matching Double Denim Is Worn (Namely True Religion) That I Cringe & Break Down. Leave It In 2012.

And There We Have It, My List Of 10 Things That… WAIT A MINUTE – There’s A Number 11 On This List…

11. Nike Blazers – This Is The Story… I Leave A Party, And There’s A Man Handing Out Flyers About His Forthcoming Rave, He Approaches Three Girls, They Don’t Seem Too Interested – He Then Tries To Win Them Over By “*Points At Red Blazers On His Feet* Come On I’m Wearing Blazers And There Will Be Lots Of Boys In Blazers There”… What The Actual Fuck. So Yeah, EVERY Chuck And Larry Own A Pair Of Blazers Now. So Ditch Them & Get Creative. Leave Them In 2012.

Nike Blazers. Leave Them In 2012.

Nike Blazers. Leave Them In 2012.

So That Concludes My List Of What Should Not Be Following Us Into The New Year. If I Offended Anyone. Tough Shit.

Peace & Power